Fifty Shades

banner headline

Few works of art in Twentieth-Century America have caused more discussion than Gilligan’s Island. And one of the most hotly debated questions has always been: How did the castaways get their sweet sweet lovin’? Some basic certainties can be stated, and then informed suppositions can be formed:

First, the Skipper and Gilligan certainly shared romance during those long sea voyages. Why else would the Skipper put up with a feeb like Gilligan aboard the _Minnow_, not to mention calling Gilligan “my First Mate?” It is easy to imagine the scenario:

  • Skipper: “Ah, Gilligan lad, we’ve been at sea for so very long … and a man has needs, you know.”
  • Gilligan: “But Skipper, we just cast off, and we’re only going to the other side of the marina for groceries.”
  • Skipper: “Shut up and drop those trousers, Little Buddy!”

This surely wasn’t the only action Gilligan had going, though. The decadent Howells, used to a life of debauched indulgences, would not have been satisfied with just each other, and Thurston certainly learned more at Yale than some drinking songs. Away from home, without their household of maltreated servants to badger into it, Gilligan was the only person the Howells could have cajoled into three-ways in their bamboo hot tub.

Next, the Professor and Mary Ann are an obvious pairing. But Mary Ann was a squeaky-clean all-American girl next door, and she would certainly have considered it immoral to indulge in sex before marriage. So it is easy to deduce that she probably just gave the Professor hand jobs. And, as men have done since hundreds of years before the dawn of time, the Professor probably just gave her flowers and cards from time to time.

We can be fairly certain what Ginger was like after years in the moral cesspool of Hollywood. The way she wiggled around in those tight dresses, flirting outrageously, makes it easy to guess that Ginger spent a lot of time down at the lagoon giving it away. The Skipper, Professor, and Mr Howell all probably spent time with her, and possibly Gilligan as well.

It wasn’t necessarily just the men: Mrs Howell, bored with island life and familiar with Sappho since her sorority days at Bryn Mawr, might well have used Ginger for sexual recreation. Even Mary Ann might have fooled around with Ginger, under the name of “sleepover games.”.

The remaining question about Ginger, which her dresses, hair, and make-up suggest so strongly: Was Ginger biologically a woman, or was “she” a very talented drag queen? This question requires further consideration.

This covers the major characters. The next article will cover items of speculation on castaway sex with the assorted visitors to the island: Russian cosmonauts, surfers, big-game hunters, headhunters, Japanese mini-submarine captains, and legendary aviator and noted horn-dog Wrong-Way Feldman.